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I may not be the best looking, wittiest, smartest or even the most successful person. I forget where I was going with this...
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday - it`s because they`ve just killed someone right?
I`ve actually have come to the conclusion that some of today`s youth may actually believe "laughing out loud" is actually spelled "lol"
The hardest part of the job interview is knowing the best moment to lean in for the kiss.
Break the ice in a crowded elevator by asking how much everyone weighs.
You know that 200-foot high expansion bridge you drove over today? Just remember that it was built by the lowest bidder.
People should seriously stop expecting normal from me...We all know it`s never gonna happen
If u think someone (me) is cute u should tell them (me)
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
I don`t live paycheck to paycheck. I live paycheck to four days before paycheck...
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
To the dude I just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
Here`s a fun idea: Before your next party or get together, buy some liver and other cuts of meat. Put them in clear containers and put labels on them with random names ("Clarice", "Richard", etc). Then put them in your refrigerator. For even more fun, put some empty containers beside the fridge with your friends` names on them....
Studies show it’s totally okay for me to just say “studies show” in front of whatever I want to say.
I always ask my waitress to name everything that comes in the salad then I respond “OK perfect, I want a cheeseburger with none of that on it.”