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I heard lots of bongo noises coming from my loft last night. It sounded very Drum Attic.
I`m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
If you are used to seeing a fat, naked guy walk around his house, then you are probably my neighbor.
Dyslexics of the world.. UNTIE!
I went to see a psychiatrist today. He told me I had a split personality and charged me $160. I gave him $80, and told him to get the rest from the other a$$hole!
If I had a cooking show, it would be called “Do You Smell Something Burning?”
How does Ice-T order an Iced Tea without sounding like a douche?
My family is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you`re gonna get but you can be sure there are gonna be some nuts in there somewhere.
I got in touch with my musculine side today - laying on the couch all day, eating gross food, playing games...
Whatever you do in life, always give 100%...unless you`re donating blood...
I don`t have a drinking problem. If anything, I`m TOO good at it.
I think I can survive on Mars since they found water for my coffee.
Pulling out a winter coat and going through the pockets to find out who I was 8 months ago.
If you don’t like my sense of humor please tell me… so I can laugh at you!
I had a bit of a lazy day sitting in my underwear looking for jobs online. My boss was furious.