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Someone should use screen recording software to record an entire day’s worth of working on spreadsheets and post it to YouTube so that I can play it full screen and pretend like I’m working.
Life isn`t a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, chances are you are going to walk home barefoot.
It`s so cold outside I had to put Jack in my Coke to keep it from freezing.
Would stiff nipples be a good name for my air conditioning company?
Taking your pants off is a good way to let someone know you feel comfortable in their home.
No, I would not like to join your exclusive membership rewards club. I’m buying a sandwich.
I have never faked a sarcasm in my entire life!
Pregreening - creeping forward while waiting for a red light to change.
Did the Energizer Bunny finally stop going and going, and none of us even noticed it?
The best nights are those when it never crosses your mind to update your Facebook status.
Boy: "Life`s a bitch, so is my Girlfriend." Girlfriend: "Life`s short, so is his d!ck.
Cubs fans, you need to wait 107 more years. But don`t worry, 2124 will be here before you know it!
If you still wear a Calculator watch, my guess is you don’t need it to add up all the ladies you get….
The phrase "the truth shall set you free" does not apply to murder.
There’s no excuse for laziness.. but if you find one, let me know.