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can say whatever the hell I want as my Facebook Status, and nobody will be offended as long as I smile at the end. Example: I hate everybody today :) - LOL
Cold? Try Netflix. You’ll still be cold, but you’ll be watching Netflix.
I’m beginning to think that I buy bananas just to watch them die a slow death in my kitchen.
No one looks more depressed than a grown man walking away from the microwave with a Lean Cuisine meal in his hands.
I swear... my remote just decides to take random vacations sometimes.
You know what makes sex awesome? Actually having it.
According to science the atoms in my body contain the energy of 30 hydrogen bombs, and yet, not enough energy to get up early and go jogging.
I`m that friend that you have to explain to people before you introduce me and apologize about afterwards.
Is it sexual harasment to say ho ho ho to a female coworker?
Wish some of my co workers weren`t allowed in the break room... Because that`s who I usually need a break from.
Pregnancy test confirmed me my worst fear.......I`m just fat
It`s really cold out there folks. If you`re heading to Wal-Mart, please wear two pairs of pajamas.
I give up on life! I have better luck playing Monopoly...or Clue...
Every morning I swallow a piece of paper that says "Keep up the good work fellas!!" just in case I die and the doctors have to do an autopsy on me
I wish real life had as many ejection seats as cartoons.