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Eventually, some poor astronaut is going to crash into all that Star Wars writing
It takes a brave man to admit when his wife is wrong .
Old meaning of sorry. "I won`t do it again." New meaning of sorry. "Damn I got caught, next time I need to be more careful."
Miley Cyrus could never live in the kind of cold we`re having here. Can you imagine all the poles her tounge would get stuck to?
Alcohol is never the answer. Unless someone asked me, "What are you doing this weekend?"
"Why yes, I`d love to be a thousand pounds." – my brain when I see a box of donuts
Sometimes my kid likes me, but I`m pretty sure it`s only because I`m his Oreo dealer.
I grew up in a town where the population never changed… Every time a girl got pregnant, a guy left town
I spent at least half an hour trying to get my girlfriends bra off. I will never try wearing that again.
The only charities I`ve donated money too recently are covered in glitter and dance to bad music.
Funny how the closer I get to the bar the friendlier I become.
received a call saying that my son had been lying in school, and was being expelled. I don´t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar.
Everyone`s self worth should only be measured by how useful they would be in the zombie apocalypse.
Merry Christmas week! The time when it’s totally fine to put Peppermint Schnapps in your coffee every morning!
I wish I was full of tacos instead of feelings.