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Your life must really suck when no one even likes the catfish version of you.
Someone asked me why I use the "F" bomb so much. What the F*ck is an "F" bomb?
This day needs more tomfoolery!
some people just need to be kicked... in the stomach... with steel toed boots
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains is great news for stupid people.
I`m glad I know sign language. It`s pretty handy.
Pretend it`s a beer pretend it`s a beer pretend it`s a beer pretend it`s a beer pretend it`s a beer.....me trying not to drop a child
Was disappointed when I watched the films Shaft, XXX, X-Men, In To Deep, Snatch, The Box, Free Willy. None of them were what I expected...
Do you ever dislike someone so much that you hate when people are nice to them?
My boss told me that there is no such thing as problems, only opportunities. I said, “That’s great. Well I have a serious drinking opportunity.”
If it’s the thought that counts, then I should probably be in jail
"I knew that..." -Me, after every Jeopardy question.
The lady next to me in the elevator told me to press One. That was the last thing I remembered
Two things you can always be certain about when it comes to women: 1) They`re always cold. 2) It’s somehow your fault.
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. So I’m off to find a bar with a mirror.