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The worst time to need to sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
It`s amazing how much people are willing to lower their eating standards when you insert the word "free" in front of the word "food".
Congratulations! You’ve just read this sentence.
I love that sound you make when you shut the hell up.
If I was a mortician I`d tie the shoe laces of dead people together, so if there ever was a zombie apocalypse it would be hilarious.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it`s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach`s.
People that walk behind cars get exhausted
Make sure your goals are unattainable so you`ll feel a little better about giving up later
I stepped on the scale today. Not to get my weight. I just couldn`t reach the cookies in the cupboard.
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults - $9.00, Under 12 - $ 6.00, Under 3 - $249.00
Safe words are for quitters.
Why is it when you have a day off you seem to bounce out off bed at 6am, but the days you go to work, it takes a forklift and 2 sticks of dynamite to separate me from my pillow??
Greeting all the Single People a very Happy Independence Day!!
I’m always disappointed when a liar’s pants don’t actually catch on fire.
Sex-ed classes in school should just be listening to a baby cry for six straight hours while watching the same cartoon on repeat.