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I love work; it fascinates me. I can sit and watch folks do it for hours.
Never trust a skinny chef
All the women moaning about finding a husband obviously never had one.
My friend wants to know if you think I’m hot.
I have been snoring a lot lately and apparently my coworkers find it distracting
If kids get money for losing teeth, what do I get for all this hair I’m losing?
I wish my car was fueled by my lack of desire to go to work.
Targeted ads are trying to sell me a new mattress nowadays. With how much Google knows about me you`d think they`d cap themselves at something like $5 footlongs or stationary.
In hell you`re always trying to spread butter that`s too cold.
Why don`t you slip into something more comfortable, like a coma
Note to Self: Wearing headphones do not make my farts silent.
I believe in the silver rule of life: Do unto others then run!
Found out the difference between onions and men. I don`t cry when I`m chopping up men.
It’s getting really annoying how eating makes you gain weight..
Saw a brand new Prius totaled on my way home from work. Still had the window sticker. That would suck... Not to crash, but to drive a Prius.