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I wish my money would have sex in my wallet and multiply
If Miley doesn`t get her sh!t together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college.
Stress balls really work when you shove them down someone`s throat.
Flat screens are nice and all, but they`ll never compare to the television/record player/ liquor cabinet combo extravaganza we had as kids.
I love you all so much right now because, well, alcohol.
According to physics heat makes matter expand.....therefore I don`t have a weight problem....I`m just hot
Somewhere in America, a woman has a baby every 47 minutes. We`ve got to find this woman and stop her!
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
I always stip to help women broke down. I don`t know sh!t about cars, but I do know how a good porn starts off.
My grandparents still use encyclopedias to google stuff.
Mirrors don`t lie. Lucky for you, they can`t laugh either.
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
Once you get past my charm, good looks, intelligence and my sense of humor, I think it’s my modesty that stands out.
They say I have a drinking problem. I say they have a problem with nudity.
The bouncer from my local nightclub calls me Macauley Culkin because I always go home alone.