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Before the internet I used to like people.
Every woman is beautiful in her own unique way. Sometimes it just takes the right amount of alcohol to see it.
I talked to my mom, and she said she probably hadn`t had sex with any of you guys. Damn dirty liars.
My hatred for Nicki Minaj probably stems from my fear of clowns.
Humans pretend to be smart, but we still look at the ceiling when we hear a noise upstairs like we just developed x-ray vision.
Last night we were in bed and I asked my wife "What would you like to do to my body more than anything else?" She said "Identify it."
Damn…I’m having an out of money experience.
I used to wonder what it was like to read people’s minds. Then I got a Facebook account and I got over it.
"2 weeks with my baby xoxoxo" lol,calm down romeo&juliet.
I should never have climbed into this vat of curdled milk. I`m in whey over my head.
I want to follow my dream, but i dont want to look like a stalker
The downside of dating intelligent women is having to Google what they call you when it ends badly
The best thing about having male genitals is sharing it with people who don`t.
My New Year`s resolution is to help all my friends gain ten pounds so I look skinnier.
The sun and I have an understanding. He gets up before I do.