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I just made 3 critical errors: 1. I woke up for work. 2. I went to work. 3. I arrived at work.
I wasn`t planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere.
It`s a good thing farting isn`t as contagious as yawning.
Please God take me back to being 12 & let me start again & mess up my life in an entirely different way. I have fresh ideas.
Every so often I’ll listen to my wife talk non stop for hours at a time, to remind myself why people wander into traffic without looking.
My dad`s TV volume is always set at "f*ck the neighbors".
This weekends forecast shows a 0% chance of cooking or cleaning, with a good chance of laying around in my pajamas.
"I`m not drunk" - Biggest Friday Night Lie.
You can`t be ugly and play hard to get. It just doesn`t work that way...your already hard to want
Sometimes I think my job is actually a hidden-camera game show where they see how much absurd bullshit I’ll put up with before I catch on.
“The darndest things.” -kids
Don’t believe everything you think.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary: 1) There are 1`s and 0`s 10) There are no 2`s
I think my mailman is stealing my Nigerian lottery checks.
There are no words to describe how I feel about you... Good thing God invented the middle finger.