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I don’t like being told what to do…unless I’m naked.
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese`s pieces
If we learned anything from the Mayans, it’s that if you don’t finish something, it’s not the end of the world
Only thing harder than quitting cold turkey is quitting warm ham. It`s delicious.
Watching game shows is like watching porn, you get excited watching someone else get lucky
On a math test: 2+2 = ? Me: *Use calculator just in case
Sometimes what sounds like opportunity knocking is actually disappointment leaving a flaming bag of poop on your doorstep.
Instead of sending people to jail, we should just make them eat the stringy things off bananas..
Having a 14 year old has made me realize why some species eat their young.
I find that some of the best jokes are the ones that drag you in slowly and then leave you waiting in antici...
Drinking doesn’t make me post better Facebook status updates; it just makes me not care what you think of them…
Serving sarcasm with a smile since 1984.
I don’t know how your day is going, but I just got lucky on the couch! Yep, I found a dollar!
If nothing else, love is nice because it confirms that you do not hate everyone. Just everyone minus one.
In order to avoid hating myself in the morning, I sleep till noon.