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I’m going to start telling women that I’m available for a limited time only in hopes that their shopping instinct kicks in.
I`m pretty sure whoever coined the phrase " rise and shine", doesn`t do it anymore.
If my sarcasm confuses you it`s because you`re stupid.
When I die I want my body donated to science, but more specifically a scientist who is working on bringing dead guys back to life…
I don`t understand why people have to "get ready" for bed....I`m always ready for bed.
Law and Order is just Blue`s Clues for adults.
Grant me the courage to change the things I can, the serenity to accept the things I cannot, and a big-a$$ed pitcher of margaritas as “Plan B”
My friends says that I spend too much time talking to random people online. What do you guys think?
Blood moon, shooting stars....I gotta move to a safer galaxy
I`d care more about your feelings if they came with a toy and chicken nuggets.
Went shopping alone and the cashier asked, "How are you guys doing?" Now I`m 90% sure he can see ghosts and one is following me around.
i`m my own therapist...which explains so much.
Farts are like children. I`m proud of mine and disgusted by yours.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance in "Holy crap this is a terrible gift but I`ll pretend to love it."
My reaction to stepping in dog sh!t is identical to me logging onto Facebook