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It takes a brave man to admit when his wife is wrong .
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
Hard butter is the devil.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I`ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I`ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
No one ever said life was easy, but several people did say that you were.
All I`m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old...
Who cares how I got inside your house. What matters is that we`re together now.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs.
I`ve robbed banks before...and they`re never getting their pens back.
I`m so great, I`m jealous of myself.
I don`t know what I`d do without coffee...Probably twenty five to life in the state penitentiary.
Homes are 750 square feet larger today than they were 30 years ago. Unfortunately, so are most Americans.
I dont think I could ever stab someone.. I barely can get the straw into a Capri Sun.
maturity comes when you stop publishing every detail of your life on social media
Four out of five voices in my head are saying this is gonna` be a great day.