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Roses are red, violets are blue. I have 5 fingers, the middle one is for you.
Between Criminal Minds, CSI, Law and Order, Castle, and Monk...I am now fairly confident I can get away with pretty much anything.
When I hear a person say "My Mom didn`t raise no dummy", I feel like saying "She lied to you"
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throw away ANYTHING, EVER. I smuggle out broken crayons like a Mexican drug lord..
I wish we could donate body fat to those in need.
What a snow day inside with the kids! My one son thought it would be a good idea to fill up the garage freezer with snow to save for later and my other son had an "accident" and peed all over the floor in the bathroom. Youd think they know better at 13 and 15 years old! I probably should stop letting them drink beer in the house.
Do they have to play movies so loud at the theatre? I litterally have to scream into my phone.
I decided I really need to read more. I watch way to much TV ... So I turned on the subtitles.
I thought she would duck officer- me checking the psychic`s ability
“I saw that.” -Karma
A bird in the hand is the best way to eat chicken.
In life, you only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn`t move but should, use the WD-40. If it should not move and does, use the duct tape
The best way to hang up on someone is to do it in the middle of your own sentence, that way they will just think you lost service.
Hey, chicks who have words tattooed on your tits... We didn`t come here to read.