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Whenever I see someone in a Smart Car, I expect to see a kid with a remote control nearby.
The sun isn`t the only thing that rises in the morning...if you know what I mean ;)
I like restaurants because the people have to be nice and feed you.
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
It`s weird how after they couldn`t put Humpty Dumpty back together the King`s men were like "Let`s give the horses a shot at it"
It’s a strange moment, when you realize that the sound of nature is the sound of millions of animals, birds, and insects desperately trying to get laid.
If I had a cooking show, it would be called “Do You Smell Something Burning?”
I`m having trouble telling if it`s killing me or making me stronger
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex. I know I`m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
Guys you should never overreact when you hear the words, " The babysitter is late."
I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and I thought "that`s a fair trade."
Sometimes my sarcasm is so intense that even I’m not sure if I’m kidding or not.
Yesterday I fell off a 50 foot ladder. It`s probably a good thing I was on the bottom step...
Our parents did the same sh!t too, they`re just liars.
Women- God’s version of a Rubik’s cube.