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A good husband is like a bra. He should be supportive and help support your burdens, but mostly he`s just there to touch your boobs.
Silence is Golden, except when coming from children… Then you’d better go check to see what’s broken.
Stairs are like rock climbing after a bottle of vodka.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn`t hand out drugs.
I finally got some "me time" being away from the kids. Two whole hours. Would have gotten more, but my knees started getting numb from crouching behind the dryer.
I like to spend Monday morning trying to remember what I was avoiding doing at work on Friday.
This girl says she wants me to butter her muffin ... I don’t even know what that means, but now I’m hungry.
I don’t understand shark movies I mean just get out of the water.
I hope that man who was walking in memphis found out the way he really felt
I put the b!tch in the kitchen.~ last thing I remember saying before I woke up in the hospital.
I`m no auto mechanic but I`m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
The filling in this fortune cookie tastes like paper...
The secret to dancing is pretending you have a wedgie and you’re trying to get it unstuck without using you’re hands.
My box of Animal Crackers said, "WARNING: Do Not Eat if Seal is Broken." I open the box, and sure enough...
I`m so fresh they call me "ferbreeze"