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I`ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn`t just put the dots in the shape of the actual letters.
I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don`t give a damn!
My doctor told me to start killing people. Well it wasn`t those exact words. He said I needed to reduce the stress in my life.
You’d think after all these beauty pageants, we would have world peace by now.
I feel it`s important for you to know, no matter what I`m faced with and when given the option, I am that guy who will send you a voice-mail marked confidential.
Marriage lets you annoy one special person for the rest of your life.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the taser wrong.
you know what`s funny? Obviously neither do I or I would have posted it.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards, it`s an uplifting film about dinosaurs and people who work together to rebuild an island.
There are two types of people...don`t worry you are not one of them.
They`ve been farting with my facebook again. It`s like the old days when the the girl you woke up with wasn`t the one you went to bed with.
The roof of the McDonalds in my town has 38 Pickle slices on it from times I ordered sh!t without pickles in it.
When sitting directly across from someone also using a laptop, I can`t stop myself from telling them, "you sunk my battleship!"
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
I feel like we really lowered our expectations of what constitutes magic when we began using it to describe markers