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Just watched a woman in front of me walk face first into a telephone pole because she was too busy looking at her phone. I could’ve given her a heads up, but then I wouldn’t have been able to watch her walk face first into the telephone pole.
I`m 99.9% certain that every time a sock goes missing in the dryer, it comes back as an extra tupperware lid
Couch pillows are really just fart silencers.
I prefer my kale with a silent "K"
Guys i did not copy or edit this status of mine.Please believe this is my own idea!
My pet unicorn told me that I was being delusional again. :/
There are two types of people in this world: people who pee in the shower and liars.
I don`t know who you are, but if you don`t stop sending me phone books, I will find you.....and I will smack you with it
? Taken ? Single ? So sexy that they’re all scared to go out with me.
When people tell me that I’ve changed, I want to shake them and tell them: “And so should you!”
"Lets hang out sometime" -liars.
I`ve been married twice. The next wife I have will be someone else`s and she can just go home when she`s mad at me.
Word to the wise - make sure the phone is 100% hung up before you call someone an a$$hole.
Describe yourself in 3 words". "Not good at following instructions"
Apparently “finders keepers” does not include expensive cars in parking lots.