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Anyone else see the irony in Disney World?.. You know, the fact that it`s a giant human trap, ...set by a mouse.
you know....I must be drop dead sexy because....cashiers are always checking me out….
Take your age. Subtract 3. Then add 3. That is your age.
You can correct people`s grammar or you can have friends. But you can`t do both.
My Viagra addiction was the hardest time of my life.
When I see names carved into a tree I don’t think it’s cute, I just think its strange how many people take knives on a date.
When a couple asks me for directions,I know that the wife is forcing the guy to ask.That`s why I give them wrong ones to teach her a lesson.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I`m alone I will look at them shocked and just quietly whisper.... "You can see me?"
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
Good judgment comes from bad experience, and most of that comes from bad judgment...
I`m no auto mechanic but I`m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
Work is one long game of back and forth emails with cleverly disguised f*ck you`s.
I love giving orders. My favorite is "Another one. And make it a double."
Kid`s Choice Awards are a great reminder why children aren`t allowed to vote.
Sorry I shouted "MORTAL KOMBAT!" when you started arguing with your husband at the grocery store