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That awkward moment when the guy who discovered milk had to explain what he was doing to the cow
I need my decision making privileges taken away.
It’s amazing how much more money I have when I’m drunk.
Now I lay me down to sleep, a bottle of vodka at my feet, if I should die before I wake, tell my friends I drank it straight.
If I`m not back in ten minutes ... then just wait longer.
Give a man a gun and he can rob a bank, give a man a bank and he can rob the world.
Hate when my GF asks me to hold her purse at the grocery store line cause I really don`t like being that guy holding two purses.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
I don`t quite get women who have like 15 bridesmaids. I don`t even like 15 people altogether in my life.
I am at my most hostage negotiator when I see my 3 year old with a permanent marker without a lid.
Don`t mistake my middle finger as an offer.
I used to be in a band called "missing cat". You`ve probably seen our poster.
My grocery cart right now says ” I’m getting drunk and doing laundry tonight!” And also. “I like fruit.”
HR says I`m not allowed to scream "OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP" when I walk through the front door at work anymore :(
When I`m bored, I send a text to a random number saying, " I hid the body, now what?"