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Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, "Please wear."
Olympic Mens Ice Hockey USA vs Canada. Loser keeps Justin Bieber.
I`d say I`m not a morning person but I`m really not sure I`m an evening person either.
In an alternate universe cats feed humans Lean Cuisines while muttering "I don`t know how you eat that sh!t".
It’s not you. It’s me finally realizing that you’re terrible.
McDonald’s Management Rule #23: “The employee with the most severe accent or speech impediment must work the drive-thru at all times.”
I`m not crazy, I`m just special!!...No, wait...Maybe I am crazy. One second...I have to talk to myself about this, hold on...
If you play my workday backwards, it’s actually a nice story about idiots getting less and less annoying.
Why would I dance like nobody`s watching? People need to see this.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don`t even have a battery in my smoke detector...
Liquid sanity: I call it alcohol..!!
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
FYI: You can buy wedding cake even if there`s no wedding, those suckers don`t even check
OMG!!!!! I almost went to the toilet without my phone!
I called McDonald`s to make a reservation for Valentine`s Day, just to listen to the stammering and confusion from the kid answering the phone.