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My doctor told me to stop drinking...Then he told me to stop laughing.
Stop bitchin about the frigid winter snow. There are kids in Africa who don`t even HAVE weather!
To all them girls who go out , looking sexy as hell but have boyfriends.......Please continue to do so when you`re married.
Heard the local weatherman say, "high in the thirties" & now I know the title to my autobiography.
I saw a girl being irresponsible texting while driving and it really ticked me off.....So I rolled down my window and threw my beer at her.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
I love bacon because I can wrap it around everything. Essentially, it`s the duct tape of food.
In grade school it’s called bullying but when you get older it’s referred to as upper level management.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You`re annoying enough as it is
Remember, I`m always here if you need shoulders for your ankles to lie on.
I`m laying on my yoga mat making up fake poses to fit my current activity level. Right now I`m in "downward facing chalk outline".
Being clean and sober means i’ve showered and am heading to the liquor store.
If you don’t like my sense of humor please tell me… so I can laugh at you!
If da Vinci were alive today, the "Mona Lisa" would have been called "IMG-20121020-00463.jpg"
I wonder if my neighbors are more tired of hearing my dog bark or me screaming at it to shut the f*ck up.