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I`m more confused than a valet parking attendant at a Mary Kay convention.
Its never polite to ask the guy at the next table "are you done with that?" Especially when he`s breaking up with his girlfriend.
You know you are getting old when people keep telling you how young you look.
I’ve already decided, if I ever go to The Price Is Right, I’m gonna “come on down” whether they call my name or not.
I`m an optimist. To me, the glass is always half alcohol.
"But why?" - Me at weddings
It was so cold that when we milk the cows we got ice cream.
Water is the most essential element of life, because without water, you can’t make coffee.
A court date is still technically a date, right?
At what age is it appropriate to tell my friends that they`re imaginary?
When your running down the street on fire, people will get out of your way
The biggest cause of cancer in mice is research.
Girl scout cookies suck! I ate like 20 boxes of thin mints and I`m not any thinner.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. "Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs"
He said he liked surprises, but when I showed up late at night dressed as a clown and knocked on his window, it`s all screaming and sh!t.