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My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.
Hi, you`ve reached my voicemail. Why didn`t you text me? I`ll never call you back. Like, ever. You`d have better luck with a telegram.
Dear Equifax hackers, Please delete my student loan balance, my medical bills and change my credit score to 850. Thanks.
My wife sure is picky for someone who married me.
Called AA by mistake. Those drunks can`t change a tire for sh*t.
When I drink I become everybody`s friend which makes up for my hating everybody when I`m sober.
"2, 4, 6, 8!! Ride my face let`s fornicate!!!" And with that, HR banished me from all future employee picnics.
I like it here because not only do I get to air out my dirty laundry, I get to see yours too.
What`s cardio, and can I eat it?
I wish I could match my dog`s excitement to go outside.
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
that awkward moment when you`re alone somewhere and trying to take a picture of yourself.
I don`t care if you wear footie pj`s or sleep with a Snuggie. If you swish Listerine in your mouth for the full 30 seconds, you are BADA$$.
A Whoopee cushion filled with gravy adds a hilarious new dimension to a rather tiresome practical joke.
My girlfriend is about to do this ice water bucket challenge. She don`t know yet though she`s still in bed