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In the morning instead of having coffee and reading my horoscope, I have coffee and unfriend anyone who posts their horoscope.
According to a recent study 52% of women have used vibrators....I`m guessing the other 48% have new ones?
ALCOHOL - Because no good story ever started with someone drinking a glass of orange juice.
I try to avoid things that make me look fat, like scales, mirrors and photographs!
I`m looking for a new personal trainer, the last one didn`t work out
If heat makes things expand, then I don`t have a weight problem ... I am just Hot!
Babies are so cute because none of them are mine.
Women who say the quickest way to a man`s heart is through his stomach, have not seen his browser history.
Destiny may decide who touches your Life. Your heart may decide who touches your Soul. But…Tequila decides who touches your body
You don`t need training to be a street cleaner, you just pick it up as you go along.
I was the kid my parents warned me about.
I used to eat natural food, until I heard people were dying of natural causes
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
Just saw a homeless dude with a sign reading "Hungry Hungry Hobo"... I shouldn`t laugh right?
What happens in Vegas stays on Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, Vine, and medical records.