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Caller ID should be more detailed~ "Wants Help Moving" "Going to Whine" "Will Ask to Borrow Money"
I swear Mosquitos have a chart of the human body they study before they leave their nest...They seem to always bite on the worst possible places.. It`s like they huddle up and make a plan: "Ok Sally, you take the toe knuckles.. Betty, you get the crack behind the knee, Mary, you take the ankles, and I`ll take the finger knuckles..Ready? Break!"
Was building a website for women drivers ... Bloody thing kept crashing.
Just used a full size twix bar to stir my coffee.
Few things are creepier than someone saying "I know" after you introduce yourself.
Paint thinner? I call bullsh!t. I been painting myself with it all week and I`m still fat.
I couldn’t believe it yesterday, when I came home and was told by my wife that my 5-year-old son wasn’t actually mine. She says that I need to pay more attention when picking him up from school…
Just because someone`s richer or more famous or talented doesn`t mean they`re happy. It just means they`re happier than YOU.
My boss doesn’t like it when I play slavery songs at work….
“Hey baby, do you smell that?” “No.” “Me neither, start cooking.”
Someday, the time I waste deciding what to watch on Netflix will be shorter than the actual time watching it
You never really know if you`re over someone until you`re in the car and they`re in the crosswalk.
My girlfriend is gorgeous, selfless, graceful, highly intelligent and looking over my shoulder as I type.
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the "tasty" box.
Young enough to know I can. Old enough to know I shouldn`t. Stupid enough to do it anyway.