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To understand paranoid people better, follow them around
When the cashier asks "How`s your day going?" I reply "I`m buying 3 bottles of wine, it`s clearly only getting better."
Just when you think you have the answer a woman will be there to change the question.
No need to thank me for accepting your friend request. We`ll both regret it soon enough.
It must really suck to take life so seriously that you can’t enjoy it.
On the Internet you can be anything you want ... It`s strange that so many people choose to be stupid.
Shout out to all the ladies at church today in the same clothes from the club last night.
I can update Facebook from anywhere. Even when crossing the stre
Life is basically one long, terrible date with yourself.
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
I should go to sleep but the Internet needs me.
I do love you for your mind, I just like your mind a lot more when you’re naked.
I never let anyone see me eat junk food. Not because I`m afraid they will judge me. I just don`t want to share.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells "CODE RED, CODE RED" really loud then people scurry like mad.
I try not to limit my madness to March.