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I want to cover you in expensive things…like gasoline.
I once found a whip, a mask, a baton and handcuffs in my Mother-in-Law`s draw... who knew she was a superhero. Nice!!!
The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you`re signing a cast.
I have two feelings, it`s either "I`m hungry" or "I shouldn`t have eaten this much"
"10 Totally Epic Reasons Why You`re Going Straight to Hell" - 2013 version of Ten Commandments
Here Friday Friday...come on...hurry up! Oh no you don`t! You come when I call you damn it! Get your a$$ over here. ... good boy!
This weekends forecast shows a 0% chance of cooking or cleaning, with a good chance of laying around in my pajamas.
B!tch life isn`t a garden ... So stop being a hoe!
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
Hope you get down and funky on this the day of your birth!!
Morning comes in 3 sizes: 1) Early. 2) Too early. 3) Way too early
I checked into a hotel this weekend. I told the girl I hoped the porn channel was disabled. She said "No, its just regular porn, you sicko"
Full disclosure: All my statuses with less than 3 likes were made by my intern.
Let this be known as my Living Will. I do not wish to be cremated. If the Zombie Apocalypse happens I would like to be a part of it.
I call in sick on full moons just to make them wonder.