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People assume when I yawn that I`ve lost interest in what they have to say but truth be told, I was never interested.
Hope I never go to jail, because I haven`t memorized a phone number since 2003.
That awkward moment when you make a Harry Potter reference and none of your Muggle friends get it.
Rapper; "I`m killing them snitches, smacking then bitches, smokin blunts and f*ckin hoes!" *wins award* Rapper: "I just wanna thank god.."
It`s a beautiful day. I think I`ll skip my meds and stir things up a bit
My doctor told me, "DON`T mix this medicine with alcohol or you could wake up somewhere naked with a monkey on your arm." CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
I know it’s “cool” to make fun of celebrities, but the Bieber jokes need to stop. That’s somebody’s daughter.
Sometimes I STOP when it`s not even Hammer time
Who ever said, "The customer is always right", clearly never worked with the public a day in their life.
Arguing over a girl`s bust size is like choosing between Heineken, Coors or Budweiser -- Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.
I never let anyone see me eat junk food. Not because I`m afraid they will judge me. I just don`t want to share.
Full disclosure: All my statuses with less than 3 likes were made by my intern.
You know that greener grass you see over there? You do realize it`s because they fertilize it with bullsh!t right?
I don’t drink to forget, I… what was I saying?