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This liquor store needs a dollar menu.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
Sometimes when I`m bored I crawl into a corner of my room and pretend I`m an apple.
Sometimes I feel moderately intelligent. Other times I have to sing the "ABCs" in my head to remember which letter comes next.
Defeat....the feeling you get when you realize the "next" level is just as hard......
Was the little pig who built his house out of straw some sort of idiot?
I`ve been hitting "remind me later" for about the last 4 years on Adobe.
People who describe things as “better than sex” are having the wrong kind of sex.
I would really like to help you move your furniture tomorrow but I’m going to be too busy sitting on mine
Love makes the world go round, but alcohol makes it go round twice as fast!
Tupperware is so handy for those times when you feel like throwing out your food another day.
The correct answer to "How are you?" is "Fine." If you ever stray from that dialogue, please know that nobody gives a sh!t.
Note: the 5 second rule does not apply to soup.
By the time I’ve said “Nice to meet you” I’ve already forgotten your name.
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the "tasty" box.