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A rainy Friday is still better than a sunny Monday.
People treat New Year’s like some sort of life changing event. If your life sucks today, it’s probably still going to suck tomorrow
Never take a laxative and a sleeping aid on the same night. dont ask me why.
Not to brag but my new mistress is a lingerie model. OK, fine. A mannequin. But she doesn`t talk much and I like that.
Cats have been named the #1 pet held hostage by lonely women.
Im not sure Im comfortable with the fact that there is now a bunch of people in white coats furiously scribbling notes behind a big glass window while im talking to my therapist. Im suppose to just "ignore" them.
On your birthday I think the Airlines should let you exit the plane on the inflatable slide.
screw flowers, its all about chia pets ;)
Sorry, I didn`t get your text...Just kidding, I ignored that sh!t.
At 4-way stop, the first person to finish their text has the right of way right?
I`ll never forget the first time I saw a dry erase board, "Wow" I thought, "that`s remarkable"
Some people are too chipper early in the morning. They don`t realize how bad it is for their health.....until I`m choking them
People who think only god can judge them have obviously never hung out with my friends.
It`s nice to feel wanted. Even if it`s by the FBI.
I got kicked out of a fancy dress party on the weekend, because I was wearing nothing but a red shirt. Not my fault nobody has heard of Winnie the Pooh!!