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Was there even food before people started posting pictures of it on Instagram?
What idiot named them nostrils instead of scent vents?
If I say “it’s a great day to be alive,” it’s because those are literally my only plans.
When people tell me knock knock jokes, I pretend I`m not home.
"Mounting debt" sounds way sexier than it is.
Judging by all of the cologne and shower sets I got for Christmas either people know I like to smell good or I am failing at it.
Don`t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
What happens when Batman sees Catwoman? The Dark Knight Rises.
Don`t you just want to write on some people`s Facebook wall "you peaked in High School".?
Never date someone that works for your cell phone provider. Just sayin
Was up all night wondering, why do people compliment me for having all my sh!t together & yet still insult me for being full of it?
When non-smokers come to My house....I ask them to stand outside while I have a smoke
The best time to re-examine your life is when you find yourself reluctantly nodding to the questions asked at the start of an infomercial.
Ever notice that no one ever has three cats? They either have one or two cats, then it jumps to 17.