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When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered if God is playing angry birds with you?
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
The only reason I liked your post was because I was trying to clean a smudge off my screen.
If you really want to get under someone`s skin these days, just leave them a voicemail.
The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
Paint thinner? I call bullsh!t. I been painting myself with it all week and I`m still fat.
When I was a kid and was going to "get it" that was bad. Now I`m an adult and I`m going to "get it" :)
You know that you have eaten way too much junk food when you start actually craving something healthy.
To make a long story short quit right in the middle.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
Preheating an oven requires too much commitment.
The mailman just delivered an 8-track of Boz Skaggs Greatest Hits. I guess this fulfills my Columbia House obligation.
i wasnt tht drunk u was holding a ballon thinking it was a comdom
You find it offensive?... I find it funny.... That`s why I`m happier than you