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The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
MAN LAW 101: No man should ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man.
You should have been a chicken and just went home.
One day you will die, but every other day you won’t. So that’s pretty great, right? ... Inspirational posts are hard.
Relationship status: Runs alone at night in hopes of being abducted.
You know its a bad day when your fat pants are tight :(
Start each day with a positive thought like, "I can go back to bed in about 17 short hours."
This day is going downhill faster than a wagon full of fat kids!
Don`t judge me for things I did a few seconds ago, I`ve changed since then.
One thing horror movies have helped me realize is that as a parent, you definitely want to avoid having demonic children
Half of my day is just me screaming profanities at an electronic device.
First thing I do in the morning: Look at the clock and hope I have more time to sleep.
Inspirational status of the day: Don’t be a douche.
Why do grown ups pay to go to gyms to exercise on expensive equipment? Can`t we meet at a park after work and play tag until dark?
They should`ve added "Might lose a lot of sleep" in Facebook`s terms & conditions before signing up.