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I wish my mind had a delete button.
Contrary to popular belief, it`s actually the fat that makes you look fat. It was never the dress
I wonder if I´ll ever be mature enough to use a stud finder without first pointing it at myself and saying "there´s one."
If there`s one thing I`ve learned, it`s that I should have learned some other stuff.
United Airlines.... Board as Doctor, leave as patient.
I’m eating just in case I get hungry later
Dear Santa: I have been good for the past week or so. Lets just focus on that.
Spread happiness by smiling at a stranger today, or flash them your boobs...... Strangers love boobs!
I bet it’s called Almond Milk, because no one would buy Nut Juice.
Everyone`s self worth should only be measured by how useful they would be in the zombie apocalypse.
I don’t have a problem with friends who ask to borrow money. I love a good laugh as much as the next guy.
"Are you completely sure this isn`t textable?" - the perfect voicemail prompt
Who needs Google when you’ve got a wife who knows it all?
I`m returning these Gushers. They taste like sh!t. "Sir. Those are paintballs." Oh. I`m returning these paintballs. Someone ate a few.
Putting ketchup on steak should also affect your credit score.