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"Grow a pear." - How to insult an apple tree.
I don’t need a reason to enjoy a little wine. All I need is a glass.
How to get laid: 1)Lay on bed... Wait 1 hour until lay becomes past tense
Went to my friends house with my girlfriend today. As we walked in I noticed her phone automatically connected to his wifi. That f*cking slut.
I slept on the sofa last night which is weird because I`m not even married.
Best thing = Waking up, looking in your refrigerator and seeing a pizza box.
I found the key to happiness ... Stay away from a$$holes.
Starting tomorrow: Whatever Life throws at me… I’m gonna duck so it hits someone else.
Hey ladies! Great news! Those low riding, butt crack, hip hugger jeans are coming back in style!
My dream job would be the Karma delivery service.
How many “friend-zoned” guys does it take to change a light bulb? None they’ll just compliment it and get pissed when it won’t screw.
You know it`s a classy establishment when they quietly ask you to leave.
My Status updates are so great people hit the like button twice
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
If a dwarf smokes weed does he get high or medium?