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I love being married. It`s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
I got called pretty today! Well actually the full statement was "you`re pretty annoying!" But I only focus on positive things
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
“Nevermind.” Translation: You should’ve listened the first time.
I’d like to think I’ve taught Citibank a valuable lesson about handing out credit cards all willy-nilly.
I like people. I just don`t want them talking to me. Or breathing near me. Or making me look up from my phone.
Has anyone EVER checked to see how the room or wall behind them looks before taking and posting 50 selfies?!
My cat’s gonna be homeless unless he comes up with something funny to post on YouTube.
When I say "It’s a long story," it doesn’t mean it’s actually a long story. It means I just don’t want to tell you.
Start each day with a positive thought like, "I can go back to bed in about 17 short hours."
Unless your kid`s fundraiser is selling booze, I want no part of it.
I inherited my dad`s sense of humor. He`s not funny either.
It`s always so awkward ending phone calls with loved ones, I always say "I love you" and they`re like, "thank you for choosing domino`s"
Why is powdered milk called ‘Instant milk’? Actual milk is far more instant.
I was thinking about jumping on the Patriot`s Fan bandwagon, but I am afraid that the tires would be deflated...