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You feel naked without your phone, I feel naked without my clothes.
I bought a $300 dollar tent so I can camp outside Best Buy for 3 days to save $20 on a TV.
I saved someone`s life today. Well, I resisted the urge to strangle the life out of some idiot. That`s the same thing, right?
That amazing moment when you find money in your clothes that you forgot was there.
I typed bitch into my GPS and guess what? I`m in your drive way. Vroom, vroom mother f*%ker.
Lazy is a very strong word, I like to call it “selective participation.”
If history has taught us anything, it’s that reheated french fries are gross.
I’m working on my resume. Should I use the term “mad skillz” or would “mad skills” be more formal?
They should really be Middle-Age Mutant Business Turtles by now.
drink beer ?? save water
is pondering why people have a favorite color M&M when they all taste the same!
If Facebook changed "poke" to "stab" I would use it all the time.
The fastest way to find out if your wife is just pretending to be asleep to avoid sex is to pick up her phone and start scrolling.
Taxes are like a subscription to your country that you can`t cancel, no matter how bad the service gets.
Reasons to date me: I laugh at my own jokes so you don`t have to.