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I don`t know which is worse... waiting for someone to get out of the bathroom so you can use it or hearing them say "come in" when you knock on the bathroom door...
I just found out people are playing golf online. And I thought my life sucked!
Kinda bummed that every Christmas for the last 12 years, I`ve been way too drunk to remember all the good times and the laughter we shared. Well, I leaned my lesson. It`s time to get my act together for the family. This Christmas, I`m hiring a cameraman.
Im pretty sure that my shrink this week mumbled "this is pure gold" under his breath
Lazy is a very strong word, I like to call it “selective participation.”
How big does a cupcake have to be before it`s just a cake?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought, "Yep, you have a person in your basement."?
You`d think he`d be better at this with all the porn he watches
Today is national I don`t feel like doing sh!t today. Celebrate accordingly.
Covers on, too hot. Covers off, too cold. One foot out would prolly be ok, but I don’t wanna be dragged from bed paranormal activity style.
drinking 2% milk, wondering what the other 98% is...
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
I just changed my relationship status from “left hand” to “right hand”…
I just made an emergency survival kit. You know, for emergencies. It looks like all my other kits, but don`t be fooled; this one is red and has more liquor.
My misery likes tequila, not company.