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I force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials just to show him how good he has it.
I wouldn`t mind being alone with my thoughts, if I didn`t know them all so well.
Computer froze? Just press all the keys.
I`m really easy to get along with, once people learn to worship me.
Life is like a box of chocolates. They never last as long for fat people.
You can tell by a woman`s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
Due to Global Warming Santa will be giving out Solar Panels to all the naughty kids this year!
Say what you want about the porn industry. But they are hard workers.
Feeling pretty good about myself today so I`m going to go meet up with an ex-girlfriend to bring me back down to normal
If the shoe fits, shove it further up their a$$
My goal in life: Build a time machine and travel forward into the future until I can stop and ask someone "Do you know what `buffering` is?" and they are clueless.
I don’t know why you put your boat in Sh!t Creek to begin with.
My problem has always been a Constipated Brain and my mouth has the Runs.......
All cookies are "bite size" if you believe in yourself enough.
Cactuses are just heavily armed cucumbers.