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You think your life is bad? I’ve got that “Five dollar foot long” song stuck in my head
If someone tells you "it`s better than sex" they`re not doing the sex right.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
Is the "D" in Donkey Kong a typo? It should have been Monkey Kong right? These are the things that keep me up at night.
If owls are so smart, how come they don`t say "Whom"?
It’s like I was put on this earth so unstable people have somebody to date.
If all the world´s a stage, I want to operate the trap door.
I’m amazed by how quickly I forget what I’m doing.
Can you imagine if Facebook and Twitter just decided to shut down and you see all these confused people coming out of their house squinting at the sun.
If you watched the story of my life backwards, you`d see an incredibly inspirational story about hair growth, weight loss, and vastly improved athletic ability.
Wish there were more love songs about naps and liqour.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it`s my fault.
Whoever said you can’t “like” your own status is just not awesome enough to do it.
If you cut your child`s sandwich into squares instead of triangles, you suck at parenting...
I`m thinking of making a sax tape to make myself well known like some of the bad boys and girls do...does it matter if I can`t play it?