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Just watched a woman in front of me walk face first into a telephone pole because she was too busy looking at her phone. I could’ve given her a heads up, but then I wouldn’t have been able to watch her walk face first into the telephone pole.
I`m pretty sure my guardian angel just sits there watching me suffer, while rolling her eyes and painting her nails.
?-- that guy is cute ?
they say "money cant buy happiness" but money pays for my internet connection and my vodka so im thinking maybe "they" are wrong
I don`t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
So it`s racist to call a team Redskins but it`s okay to call a restaurant Cracker Barrel ?
If you were born in September, it`s pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a BANG
I`m not saying that I`ve been online too long, I`m just saying that when I close my eyes I scroll through my thoughts
There are a lot of side effects to smoking weed. Like never shutting up about the fact that you smoke weed.
If pi is 3.14, then I think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
I saw this homeless guy talking to himself and I was like, "Who is he talking to?" then I thought "Who am I talking to?"
I tried to give a cute waitress my phone number by writing it on the credit card receipt but accidentally tipped her 9 billion dollars.
Between the coffee and the cocaine, it looks like the mission of Colombia is to wake up the world.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
Life is basically just a constant effort to not be disgusting.