Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
I`m amazed at the mileage my car is getting. I`m still running off the same tank of gas I bought last year!
"I`m only having one" ...said by many, practiced by none.
If you allow your pets to roam free in our neighborhood, I’m gonna put party hats on em. This is non-negotiable.
Make a random stranger`s day by walking up to them and saying "This isn`t real. You have to wake up"
When a cashier asks if you have a loyalty card just sigh and say, "My wife took everything when she left"
The only time I`ve ever early to anything is when I`m dropping my kids off to be watched by somebody else.
If you tell me you`re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
If you’ve gauged huge holes in your ears and don’t keep Oreo cookies in them for snacks then what the hell’s the point man?
Everyone`s self worth should only be measured by how useful they would be in the zombie apocalypse.
I plan on being up really late tonight making voodoo dolls for, well, never mind, you will know who you are soon enough.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
If I ever go missing and there’s a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
If it makes you feel better, don’t call it “Premature Ejaculation.” Call it “Speed Dating”
You don’t have to be drunk to love me, but it helps