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You call it being sober. I call it on my way to the liquor store.
The expiration date on my credit card is 4/20 and it always gets a good laugh when Im ordering pizza for delivery.
I`m so scattered I don`t know whether I found this rope or lost my horse.
Scientists say the Universe is made up of Protons, Neutrons and Electrons... They forgot to add Morons.
Stalking is such a strong word. I perfer the term surveillance expert.
People who say, “Happy New Year” to you on the 4th of January are not really your friends.
Do you ever get the feeling that you’re being watched? Because if it’s bothering you, I’ll stop.
FYI: You have to stop Facebook posting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
Even though I`m only 29, I know I`m going to die a bitter, lonely, miserable old man ... I`m married.
I`d be the stripper that got fired for eating her way out of the cake instead of jumping out of it.
I don`t need your advice. I do a great job of screwing up my life all by myself, thank you!
Everyone please stop doing crimes because sirens are too noisy.
Tonight I’m trying to get to that happy place right between don’t know my own name and head in the toilet.
Whoever said you can’t “like” your own status is just not awesome enough to do it.