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If you see me smiling it`s because I`m thinking of doing something evil or naughty ... If you see me laughing it`s because I`ve already done it
Most people decide to have scramble eggs immediately after thinking: "I`ll just flip this omelette"
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never aging is wearing the same clothes every day.
Guys: Bet a female friend that she can’t touch her bellybutton with both elbows. Enjoy the view.
Nobody notices your pain, your happiness, your sadness, your state of mind. But everyone notices it when you fart in public
I tried my best to see things from your point a view, but your point of view is stupid.
Don`t, under any circumstance, believe I`ll return your Tupperware.
Paying a homeless man to pee on your ex`s windshield, is just about the most fun you can have with 5 bucks.
Life really is all down-hill once you get to big too ride in the shopping cart anymore isnt it??
Dieting Tip, 1. Make a list of people who have a problem with your weight, 2. Cut them out of your life. 3. Enjoy having lost Hundreds of pounds of Idiots.
Today I sent out a text saying, “Hey, I lost my phone, will you call it?” 12 people called me…I need smarter friends.
The girl next door looks over at me, then her phone, then makes a disgusted look on her face. I think she`s just found my Facebook account
At what number beer are you offically not working from home anymore?
If you see me out somewhere and act like you didn`t, you should know that I ignored you first.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.