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If you can’t be an athlete, be an athletic supporter.
I had cheese, but no crackers ... I was cracka-lackin
The ultimate home security system is having crappy stuff.
I would eat a lot more salads if they were made out of pizza.
"Why?" - Socrates and four year-olds
you know that awkward moment when you think someone`s talking to you so you reply to them and then they look over at you with that disgusted facial expression that says "wtf ..no"
Never tell a lie ... unless it is absolutely convenient
When something goes wrong in your life, just yell "PLOT TWIST!" and move on.
Can anybody PLEASE tell me where you buy Common Sense?? I know several people that need some!!!
Okay restaurants. Enough with the clever bathroom signs. A simple M and F will do. Sincerely, drunk people.
Last night I was walking the sexiest girl ever home until she turned around and saw me.
I just realized that Mr. Rogers had the first man-cave.
status uploading
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
My dog takes so long to sh!t I can`t believe he`s not out there playing Candy Crush.