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Relatives - Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too.
The phrase “Don’t take this the wrong way.” has a zero percent success rate.
I gauge a person’s wealth by the level of protection on their iPhone. No case, huge salary.
To show my support for Breast Cancer Awareness Month, I`ll be giving free breast exams all month. Hit me up if you`re interested.
The old saying "I wouldn`t wish this on my worst enemy"... Clearly you have forgotten why they are your worst enemy.
I was in NYC and a black guy asked me if the Yankees won to which I replied, "Yeah, man, you`re free."
We get it poets: things are like other things
“Can we talk tomorrow?” is my way of saying “I’ll try to do a better job of avoiding you tomorrow?”
There`s no room in my life for B.S. ... Unless it`s burritos oand salsa
Waldo’s mom must be worried sick.
They say laughter is the best medicine... found out that`s not true for treating diarrhea.
Nothing says love like hearing a toilet flush on the other end of the phone.
“That’s funny” is something I say when I can’t even fake a laugh.
I organized a threesome last night....there were a couple of no shows, but I still had a good time
I used to think I was good at multi-tasking. Turns out it’s just my multiple personalities doing one task at a time.