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I just want someone who will love me for the a$$hole that I am ;)
“Nevermind.” Translation: You should’ve listened the first time.
I once dated a meteorologist just so I could be with a woman who wasn`t right all the time.
One day when I was at the beach there was a guy in the ocean yelling, "Shark! Help!" And I just laughed. I knew that shark wasn`t going to help him.
you know....I wasn`t planning on going for a run today....but those cops came out of nowhere
Technically, Humpty Dumpty died a crack head
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say "I`m affordable" instead of "I`m adorable".
That moment when you are having a conversation in your head and you realize you are making faces that go along with the silent conversation.
“I” before “E” especially after “P”. Mmmm pie
Never fight anyone who bows to you first.
I should come with a warning label.
How do you get in touch with the models in the pictures that come with the frame? I have an out of control, elaborate lie I need help with.
If he pauses a video game to text you, he`s probably already losing, no need to feel special or anything,
Best thing to do when you`re stuck in a group text is to to throw your phone in the street and start a new life and maybe get some chipotle
Sorry, Sarcasm falls out of my mouth, like stupidity falls out of yours