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Do you think in the spirit world they have TV shows about trying to make contact with the living?
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
The human body has 7 trillion nerves and some people manage to get on every single f*cking one of them
So the state trooper said "I`ve been following you with my lights flashing for three miles. Why didn`t you pull over?" and I said "Well, a few years ago my wife ran away with a state trooper and I was worried that you were trying to return her."
if ever you need NOTHING, im here for you.
This cashier looked at my 12 bottles of weed spray so weirdly, I suspect she`s never broken a lawnmower before.
My brain contains a few things I should know and the rest is just song lyrics.
Was up all night wondering, why do people compliment me for having all my sh!t together & yet still insult me for being full of it?
Save some time and just put your Taco Bell directly in the toilet.
News flash! someone just found Carmon Sandiego!
When I`m bored, I like to superglue Doritos to my cat and make it run around the house like a stegosaurus.
Remember when you were a kid and all you would use the computer for was paint and space pinball?
Moral compass? Is there an app for that?
I don`t want it to seem like I`m trying to get rid of you, but GO AWAY!!