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No one knows what women really want, but everyone agrees it still won`t be enough.
I`d offer moral support, but I have questionable morals.
I met a girl who told me that she broke up with her last boyfriend because he just didn`t work out. Which is when I knew, she wasn`t the one for me, as I hate to work out as well.
that awkward moment when your pulling the covers up and hit yourself in the damn face !!!
Relax… We’re all crazy.. It’s not a competition.
Apparently, "Step up your game" isn`t the correct response when your neighbour brings over fresh cookies, and your wife asks how they are.
I hate it when I’m singing along to a song, and the artist gets it wrong.
My dog acts like her entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.
So last night I put a whopee cushion on moms chair, waited and finally heard it go off.. I walk in with a massive smile on my face to find out that she hadn`t even sat on it yet.
In order to get my teenagers attention I shut off the WiFi router and wait for them in the room it`s in.
May your life be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook.
a lady at the grocery store asked me, "How do I know you?"...to which I replied, "You must watch a lot of porn".
Some days you`re the Titanic, some days you`re the iceberg and some days you`re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
Wouldn`t ventriloquists be a lot cooler if they could throw their farts?
I`m tired of making the same mistakes over and over again. Does anyone have any new mistakes I can borrow?