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Currently helping my girlfriend look for her chocolates that I ate 5 hours ago...
My job blocked the Favstar website and I`m not sure if I should quit or take hostages. Haha! Jk. I`m totally taking hostages.
Alcohol and calculus don’t mix… Don’t drink and derive!
Here`s to ignoring our real problems and getting outraged about something on the internet.
If you love something, set it free. Maybe not sharks though. Or bees. Viruses. Lots of stuff really. Look, the point is don’t love anything.
I hate when someone has a loud conversation on their cell phone and then gives me dirty looks for jotting down everything they say.
Facebook.. reminds me a lot of high school. Full of alcohol, drugs, jealousy, sexual frustration and a bunch of boobs I`ll never get to touch.
I wish I can start a new diet, but there`s a bunch of old diets I haven`t finish.
lifes like a box of chocolates, never know whatcha gonna get (:
I dont pay for cabs if I’m too drunk to drive. I find the nearest Dominos, order a pizza delivery to my house & ask for a ride home with it.
My favorite part of a marathon is watching the reaction of runners who grab my plastic cup of vodka.
Boobs are to men what light bulbs are to moths.
F*ck you, regular cars that look like police cars. Also vice versa.
If Facebook has taught us anything, it`s that a lot of people are not quite ready for a Spelling Bee.
A Whoopee cushion filled with gravy adds a hilarious new dimension to a rather tiresome practical joke.