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How do blind people know when to stop wiping their asses
I`m so broke that I can`t even pay attention!
At least thirty percent of my workout is spent picking a different song.
I used to have superpowers but the psychiatrist took them away.
I`m not the sort of person you should put on speakerphone.
Nothing makes you feel more insignificant than still having 85% battery at noon.
If Jesus is the reason for the season.......why is the church parking lot empty and Wal Marts is full?
That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is "act natural, you`re innocent".
This beer is making me awesome !! ;)
I think I can survive on Mars since they found water for my coffee.
I can`t believe people used to have to paint selfies.
Pee your name in the snow and you`ll quickly understand why they should teach cursive in our schools.
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
There is no vulnerable feeling like when you are about to sneeze ... with a mouthful of rice.
Scariest Moment: Flushing the toilet at someone else’s house, and seeing the water rise…