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There`s no life problem that a good "F*ck this shit" can`t solve.
I`ll be back before you can pronounce actillimandataquerin altosapaoyabayadoondib ab!
I don`t know why beer companies bother with an expiration date. It`s never going to make it anywhere near that.
Offering a homeless dude $5 from across the street is my version of Frogger.
When suffering from insomnia I either count sheep or ask my GF how her day was.
I keep having this recurring nightmare that lasts 8 hours a day, Monday through Friday.
Every so often I’ll listen to my wife talk non stop for hours at a time, to remind myself why people wander into traffic without looking.
Don`t worry about old age, it doesn`t last that long.
"It`s not you, it`s me." -Twins looking at some family photos
Don`t, under any circumstance, believe I`ll return your Tupperware.
Would you like to save money on your car insurance? Walk ... Just sayin
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent ... I would have to say it’s the kids.
I fear the day when our kids would look at old you tube videos of us doing the Harlem Shake and Gangnam Style and think what a retarded generation ours was.
I`m gonna just take a quick nap before I go to bed.
You`re right. I don`t have a clue. I`ve never had a clue. It`s part of my charm and it seems to be working for me.