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Next time you go to the bank and they ask you if you`d like large bills, just look at them dead serious and say "No, normal size ones if you don`t mind."
Instead of exes, they should be called whys.
Is there a way to politely throw breathe mints in someone`s mouth while they`re talking?
"Good for you!" means, "I do not consider you a threat" in woman-speak.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol? Me: Why? What`ve you got?
Dyslexics of the world.. UNTIE!
Still don`t understand why you can`t end a company-wide email with, `Later b*tches.`
he who laughs last thinks slow
Bacon...need I say more
We must STOP the driver of that bus that everyone keeps getting thrown under!
Just once I would like to see a liars pants actually catch on fire
I`ll always be here for you ... Unless we run out of beer, and someone has some over there. Then I`ll be over there for you.
She texted me: "Your adorable.". I replied: "No, you`re adorable." Now she thinks I like her. All I did was point out her typo!
I don’t care if it’s 1 A.M. I don’t consider it “tomorrow” until I wake up.
I hope when Bruce Willis dies, it`s from a Viagra overdose. That way the headline can read "Bruce Willis Died Hard".